J-8

The mountain is as high as it is low.

I am learning. So much. Like any second and there is no other choice. It is not any longer because I want to meet you and believe I need to be better before doing so. No, it is because I want a different quality of life. Of experiencing life.

Meeting another person, “falling” into love, all of a sudden, is a temporary effect. Like taking MDMA to remind yourself of how it feels to feel pure bliss. However, it is not an organic state and the peak, if not integrated, is followed by a fall.

Fall = the veils return. And I want to lift the veils consciously, veil by veil, miracle by miracle. It is going faster these days.

So I have been doing all this work, for years. Or I thought at least I had done all this work, since I fell into love 12 years ago.

And I feel it is only now, that I really started the work. To admit and look at things I had tried to bypass. Using the known principle of being faster than anyone else, using my brain.

This work is done by feeling and the heart, in a time frame that is unknown to me.
The main thing I could not look at was: feeling like a victim. Trying to hide that, even before myself. And proving to the world that I am not a victim.

I now become aware of the nuances. The victim nuances in my thoughts. One says: you have to heal everything. The cure is just one healing away. And it will always be. If you feel good, you are bypassing.

It’s a lie. I realized: it is one big lie.

I want to live my life in a frequency of Harmony. From a place of Love. Experiencing Joy.
And so the question is: is XY (what I am doing/ thinking/ feeling) matching this state of being?

Here is a list:

Telling my body it is too old. Telling my skin it is too wrinkled. Looking in the mirror with a sense of fear because I know I will reject what I see (me). Telling myself I am excluded from a happy life. Excluded from a fulfilling vocation. Not good enough to be a great partner. Telling myself that I will never live a dream life - the life of my dreams. Telling myself I am bad because I am not happy enough with what I have.

Sometimes, it is not easy to detect all of these thoughts. Because they just run. They seem to be normal. I read and did an experiment in Pam Grout’s E squared. With metall sticks, you can see how shrinking thoughts shrink your energy field and how well meaning thoughts expand it.

The same goes for the body. I am too old makes my body contract. Whereas I am at the perfect age makes my body relax.

When the suffering (of the old thoughts) gets so heavy and physical that you can’t hold it any longer without breaking it becomes ready to be released. Interestingly, it takes a moment to continue walking. I tend to stand besides the baggage I don’t hold any longer. And can’t believe I had tried to live that way for so long. It take time for me to grieve my blindness. To accept that this had been “my best“. My identity had been built around being the best in everything. Needing to be best, to have my place. Grieving how long I had kept myself in unattainable gaps between where I was and where I dreamt of being/ feeling. Admitting that others found the was earlier. Stop comparing myself.