J-5
It is when the pressure feels hard that I (we) learn the important things:
what to use our minds for (picture an outcome but not burden us with the How)
let go of all that feels heavy on top of the situation
looking for a North Star of being: well being, inner harmony for me; then adjusting all to feel a bit more well (relax my body, don’t think about the how, let go of old pain,…) and harmony (let go of past hurts and stories, wishing everyone well including myself…)
looking for things that go well
trusting in God (the flow of Life)
trusting that all that hurts wants to heal and that all that wants to leave (including hurts) wants to leave the system and that new and good things want to come
trusting my own Soul that it can show me the way (instead of consulting books, youtube, instagram)
I feel it boils down to: coming into the heart. From force to true power. Yesterday, at my parent’s place, I looked over to the neighbor who is a single Yoga woman about my age maybe. I felt the old resentment I hold against single women and it hurt me. I have become one of them again and again. Something new happened: in my heart area a soft thing opened and I let the resentment (the fear of be becoming and remaining a single woman who grows old alone only with spiritual practices as a solace) in. And then it was okay. There was peace. No need to resent or resist anymore. There was no knowing my life will be different. There was simply nothing, the forcing was over. I read something and then, ten minutes later, I saw her standing hat the open window, looking into the evening sun. Usually, when I am there, as the houses are so close, she closes the shutters early and never appears in the window. She did her stretches and I did my reading.
Today in a week is the first day you are in my life and I am in yours. You know, the real changes are the ones I wrote about above. They are changes in identity. With you, my world will change and our worlds will merge. I will get to see new sides of me by your side. I am looking much forward to exploring the soft feminine and the wild feminine with you as my masculine counterpart. I look forward to us building our life like a piece of art, to learn how to communicate well. To see the world together and to go to all the places I never felt like going alone but my heart always had wanted to see.
I am proud to meet you as a changed me, as a woman who has learnt to value herself, to trust in God and herself, a woman who has the courage to leave in order to feel aligned with no new harbor on the horizon, a woman who became free of drugs, smoking and drinking. A woman who has learnt to support her body instead of fighting it. A woman who has kept a soft heart through all of this. A woman who chose to believe that life is full of magic, coming from very dark places. A woman who does not need you but wants you from the bottom of her heart and being. I am about to learn how to love myself better. And how to enjoy life more. And how to have deep fun and soul laughters. I am learning and I know I don’t have to be perfect in order to meet you. I am who I am and who I am is enough.
I love you.
M
PS: What I am learning is to trust God, my Soul, my body - that all is well. And those three are more important than all outer actions. I also trust you. Because I know you trust in the same as I do.
I thought: I am so curious to see, who is it (you) who manifested exactly me. Soon we will see.