J-4
There are two things I want to share today with you.
One is: how I want my life to feel - so our life.
The other is: the attacks. That come from within. It is an old known voice that tells me: your life doesn’t go on. Your life will never feel happy. Your life doesn’t change at all. Only small bits that you are willing and forcing into life. No miracles like love or a child or a surprise. Your grip is too tight, your control is too big. You will never surrender and you will never live love, have a child, have surprises and adventures far beyond what you can imagine. FUCK YOU. I know now that all of this that has sounded like truth and became reality for years is not the fucking truth. It is a lie that hurts in my body and being like being without nicotine on cold turkey in week six. Fuck that. I know I can’t combat with hardness, with force. The voices make me want to go on instagram and look for proof. Like not smoking a cigarette I will not do it. I have chosen something else. A new life. A new truth. The Truth. A new reality. With lived love (with you in my life), with our daughter, with lots of surprises and adventures. A life in magic and surrender. Within me, there is a voice that wants to destroy me. I know it since I am a teenager. It pretends that I am powerless. Or: I pretended that I am powerless. In fact, I am vast, I am the container of this voice that physically hurts my body. I try to open my heart for it. I find refuge in the heart. When I focus on the heart, the voice subsides.
This morning I read: You will now reach greater awareness, which no longer needs or depends upon past lessons. You will move with insight, and this will allow you to return to your own true reality. (Idil Ahmed, Thought Access). I hereby ask my Soul to resolve this challenge on my behalf. No past lessons apply here. I ask that it is resolved and taken aways from me, I ask it happens in the way that is the Highest good for me. I read that “ask“ is translated wrongly in the Bible. In fact, when Jesus said: ask (and it is given) what he really said was: claim. So hereby I claim the resolution of the voice that tries to hurt and destroy me and my dreams. I ask for the insight and guidance of my soul. I know I can’t resolve this by myself, alone. I also know I don’t have to do this alone. I claim Higher Help and that I can be free. I don’t know how - but I know I can be free. I know I am free. And so it is.
How my life feels: so deeply provided.