J-3

I had written quite some lines and my phone decided to erase them.

Here is the essence:
I found a place in my heart where I can retreat. Retreat from thoughts that are hurting me. Where I find harmony and peace. It is not bypassing, not hiding from feelings I don’t want to feel. It is rather bringing these thoughts home and let them rest in peace.

I realized I don’t have the strength to combat them, telling me about my past and how nothing will ever change for me in the outer reality. How I never will be happy. I retreat from thoughts that change nothing but the cortisol level in my body, the amount of life force energy running through me, my energy field, the way I feel and the kind of frequency I am living in and on.

Nothing happening and no one is worth that I leave this retreat. It is a lie, a voice screams. You can’t be in harmony, look - where are your dreams. It is only others living their dreams or even yours.

I found that I can’t do anything about my dreams. I can only choose them. And I thought about co-creation and how beautiful it is that I choose and let God carry it out. Because I can’t. Not because I am stupid or not good enough. No, it is simply because it is not my job. And never was, even if I believed so for years and exhausted myself until all I wanted was sleeping and crying. I thought: Thank you God for doing so.

I thought about you and that I chose a long time ago to share life with you. And some months ago I chose that we will met the 1st of June 2024, so in 4 days from now. A voice within me says: you can’t do that, you have to give this to God. My heart knows I don’t. I have stopped tolerating walking alone and saying it’s okay, it will happen one day (without actually believing). I believe we meet. There is no other way. And because it is time. I choose to spend the days in Harmony. As often as I can and return to Harmony when I have dropped out of it.

I also gave the last symbols for my last relationship away, I had kept them at my parent’s house. And now I let them free. You will meet me as I am. And where I am. And so do I meet you. I am grateful that the feeling of needing to be someone or somewhere else before I am worthy of meeting you is gone. See you <3