J-14

This morning was another nightmare. All my energy went into hate speeches against/ with the previous man. These monologues come like a tornado and after, I find myself on the ground, with no energy left, contracted. I feel like a victim, prey to these tornados. I feel so hurt and there seems to be no ending to it.

I try to understand, what is below these tornados, and actually, there are a lot of tears and disappointment, hopelessness as well.

I am so afraid that I am not strong enough to call you in, because I am in this energy.

Know, that I love you, know that I left to meet you through meeting me, know, that I do my best. There is so much within in me that is so wonderful and wants to leak out. Please send me your strength, I need you now already. I am better with you. I always think it would be easier with you. If you were here, in my life already. Then I would be free of the hateful thoughts that come, when the waiting gets longer.

I realized, that the 4 previous men, I met in desperation. They were answered prayer to my self-hate and feeling of unworthiness.

I meet you in Love and as the Woman I have become, standing my ground and in my worth.

Sustain my Faith. Give me strength to withstand these thoughts