J-15
Dare to dream again - and command matter
In March 2024, I have decided that we will meet the 1st of June. Now that this date is approaching, I start to feel nervous. What if (again) it doesn’t happen?
As a student of the Laws, I know that kind of thinking and feeling blocks everything - which makes it worse. And so I take today as a day to remind myself of all the things that (I) have changed since it didn’t happen the last time.
I woke up this morning with an amount of anger. An outlook on another day like all the others. A day void of magic or something beautiful happening.
The day I decided for the 1st of June, I learnt about to stop tolerating the bare minimum. I had tolerated a bare minimum in many ways: it was okay for me to do life alone, it was okay for me to watch others forming couples and families (even if it hurt), it was okay for me to live in survival, in lack of intimacy, it was okay for me to go home alone, to travel alone, to cook alone, to go to the beach alone, to not exchange my thoughts, to not be touched, to not make plans together, it was okay for me even if it wasn’t. Because it was the way it was and I didn’t see a way out - even if I was resisting what was. Maybe said a voice, God has another plan for me or maybe I was not healed enough.
And that day I decided that it was not okay any longer. It was time for be to spend and share life with the right partner. To live as a fully provided woman.
They say: you must feel okay by yourself. Let go and then it happens. This is not my path. I command matter. And then I let it in. You. Because I want to share my life with you and all the moments. Because I know now what I need to give to myself. And what I can’t. There is no negotiation any longer about the way I want to live: in a committed, loving, growing, adventurous, nourishing partnership. I stand up for what I want now. And let myself be supported.
If I want to be a person (or: in a state) where I fully believe in this outcome, I can let go of the anger and the forcing, the fighting against the lies my mind tries to tell me about how it has been in the past. In the past, I had tolerated a vague outcome. I had tolerated feeling small and overseen. I had tolerated abandoning myself and my power to get what I want. No more. If it already is, I can relax. And let go of (not of the outcome, because: that is) doubts, arguments with God, jealousy.
I have decided that the most exciting and adventurous summer that I can imagine to happen is meeting you and then hop onto your Defender and explore Europe together. Packing. Wrapping Lagos up for now, driving to the gas station early in the morning, excitement in the air. And then hitting the road. Along the coast, driving past all the places where I had felt very sad and prepared to become the woman I am today. Spain, the South of France, Greece. Embracing these versions of me and telling them: it was all worth it. Thank you so much.
I have decided that this summer is the most happy and exciting summer I experienced in my life so far. Because I am worthy of this experience and because it is time. I have cried enough, almost every day in the past years. It is time for me to laugh and be happy and live the adventure I was meant to live, that is planted in my heart.
When I left Berlin in 2022, about to sell my apartment, afraid no one would buy it, I heard a voice that said: pack your boxes. I thought it was a good idea, because God can’t pack my boxes, he can only send the right buyer. And so I did my part, packing in an unsold apartment. I want to experiment with treating this situation as the equivalent: preparing for leaving (with you) for summer. Trusting you will show up to pick me up.
I imagine you come into my life like it is completely normal - even if it is something big. Like standing in line at the supermarket and you stand next to me, suddenly, and we just continue to together. Like when I stood in front of a H&M window in a mall in Berlin and saw my prints in the window. It felt so normal and matching - even though it should have felt big. It didn’t, it felt like belonging. It felt simple.
I have no idea how you look like, I will recognize your energy. I invite you every day to me.