J-12

Two passports next to each other, my head on your shoulder in a plane. The doors of a new airport opening up, passing through with you by my side. I can’t believe that this is my life now. That all is so perfect and better than I had asked for. Dreams do come true. Now I am one of these people who say and mean it because they live it, the dream.

I always had but one dream. To live all these small moments together. Me being a woman who is able to appreciate them and experience them deeply. The gratitude I feel when I click number of adults “2“ in booking.com. All of this is like a poem to me. A dream after a dream. And this dream is my life. I feel as if it is raining gifts every day, several times a day - and I feel like this because for a very long time it didn’t. I know how solitude feels, how loneliness feels, how talking to yourself feels. How clicking “1“ feels, how traveling alone feels until you stop traveling. I know how it feels when you return home alone after a dinner with friends. I know how it feels when you are the friend and your friends are all you have as a personal interaction while they have their partners. I know how “me“ feels when others say “we“. I also know how the wrong “we“ feels. There are many areas in my life where i feel superficial gratitude on a mind level, because I only know these areas going well-ish. The deep gratitude is in the contrast. In the suffering, in the experience of lack. I know how it feels when you live a life so small that all you can do is to implode and go numb in order to fit it. It doesn’t matter if it looks like a big life for others. You are the only barometer. Maybe you have been told you want too much or that you should better be grateful for all you have. That is the opinion and perspective of others, only you know the worlds within you. Only you know when you live in disharmony to these unbirthed worlds, in a constant gap.

I had a dream: to live my life in a sacred union. I had this dream since I was a little girl. I felt all of the depth and it all came from within me. My parents raised my without TV, I might have been influenced by fairy tales. But I feel it was a deep inner knowing. Growing up, nothing ressembled this feeling of intimacy and partnership. Later, when I learnt about manifestation, I tried to make it happen and worked hard on myself. So hard, that working hard on myself became a new state of being.

I usually think that it is not necessary to mention your chronological age. I mention it here. To open a space for you that I have opened for myself. I met my sacred union partner when my body was 45. And I gave birth to our daughter when my body was 46. Her second name is Grace. All of this happened not because I am a super manifestor. But because one day, at the end of exhaustion, I demanded better for myself. I demanded the life that was alive in my heart for so long. I stopped tolerating the life in isolation. And then I allowed the life I wanted in. I didn’t do anything. All credit is to God. And to my higher Self. All credit to my partner who believed in us as much as I did long before we met. All credit to our daughter, whose soul waited patiently until we met to join us. The credit I can give myself is: that I decided that I am worthy of living out my dream. Calling a dream what was so normal for others and seemed so unattainable for me. Seeing myself with tenderness and trusting God over and over again when it got very dark which it did quite often for 15 years, refusing that living on the sideline becomes my identity and when it did to find my way back into my dream.

I pinch myself at any new airport and every time I realize one of my dreams within a dream became an experience. I had written them down.

I make love with you in 50 countries, under the stars and in the sun. I sit on your lap at least one time per day and some of the days we are naked and you are within me. Our love is our piece of art and in our way, we share it with the world. Every moment with you is sincere. We both stand in our Truth. Your arms are my favorite place in the world and the cool thing is that we can be everywhere in this world. You feel like home to me after I found home within myself. I find you so incredible sexy, funny, adventurous, manly and inspiring. Your courage is an inspiration to me. All that I say to you comes from the depth of my being. I look at you and you are the most beautiful man in the world. When you say that you love me I believe you. When you say I am beautiful I agree. When I say I love you the words are a mere container of the universe I feel. I can get lost in you because I have myself. I surrender to you with my whole being. I admire and respect you. Being with you expands me. We travel the world and do good wherever we are and can.

I loved you into existence.

PS: later today, after falling into (letting myself fall into) many dark holes, I decided that all there is left to “do“ is deciding (or: agreeing) that I am worthy and ready to enter a sacred union now. An old voice tried to tell me that I have to heal more, read more, practice more, evolve more. And I decided to stop listening. I can heal more, read more, practice more, evolve more - for myself. Like all of my friends in healthy partnerships do. For myself and with joy. Not to be finally good enough. I am a very different woman now than I was five years ago, even one week ago.
I thought about me becoming free of smoking and drinking red wine. I didn’t just give up smoking or red wine - I became another person. And it is the same here. I give up a past identity, the identity of only-me, of single-me, and with it, I give up an attachment to self-destructive thoughts.
Instead, I take full responsibility for my actions, emotions and thoughts. Especially for my thoughts. Actions are aligned. Emotions more and more. Thoughts.