J-11

I hardly can believe that you will pick me up in 11 days. That soon we will be traveling and journeying together. The apartment is almost finished. The clothes I will take with me are the ones I wear since January, since I changed my wardrobe. All old skins left. Even though there is an apartment now, I continue to life out of a suitcase.

Today one year ago, I left for the camino. When all I had fitted in a small backpack. I did not go on the camino because I wanted. I went on the camino because I wanted to leave where I was. So often in my life, I left not for the sake of wanting to go somewhere - but for the sake of leaving where I was. Last year, I went away from a relationship that did not feel aligned. He didn’t want to let me go and a part of me needed this feeling that there was a great man who didn’t want to let me go. A greater part knew that we were not right. That I could not be me, in my greatness.

It is one year later now. I am facing my greatest fear: he has moved on. Someone new in his life. And me? I left because I wanted to meet me and because I wanted to meet you. Because I wanted to love with an open heart, freely. Because I wanted to live out what is encoded in my heart.

Sometimes I think God is playing a big joke on me. Putting dreams in my heart and at the same time limitations that make these dreams impossible.

I have exhausted myself a lot. To become better and better and better. Enough. I measured other people against my own efforts. And I measured myself against my own efforts. I have tried to build a life that reflects the beauty within me, the dreams with in heart. I tried hard. I didn’t manage. There is a voice within my that says: you never ever will. This voice is so strong that it disbalances my whole system. Knocked out and singulated, cut off of any glimpse of hope.

Today, I decide, I don’t believe that voice any longer. And I stop giving it room in my system. There is nothing heroic in fighting your demons all the time. There is no price for it. I believed the lie that if I fight harder battles then the price will be greater? Really? I choose to stop fighting altogether.

I soften and let all pass through that is not meant to reside within me.

I allow Life to give huge presents to me.

I look forward to all the small moments with you. The most precious gifts and I am grateful that I am able to fully experience them now.

Believe you have received. To receive means to be given something. It is not active. It is receptive. It is not manifesting or go-getting. It is soft and gentle. Received. I have not been aware of that. Only my exhaustion of trying to manifest and heal better or faster has shown me that I can’t do that by myself. And it is okay. More than okay.