J-10

I have set myself under the pressure of “Meeting in Love“ - instead of meeting in desperation, as I met the previous men. The past 24 hours I have spent not being in Love. I spent them in hate, blame and desperation.

According to the principles of manifestations, I should live in constant positive expectancy. Last night, there was no room for this.

When I gave up smoking, there was week six. In week six you feel like dying. Technically, your body is free of nicotine. And still, in week six, there is a feeling, a dark void, that feels like lasting forever.

I am in month six. Seven months since I finally left my previous relationship and for Asia. What comes up now got little to do with this relationship but with the seemingly impossibility of my dreams. I had been afraid of facing this and this had also been a reason I had postponed leaving. Maybe it is the combination of month six and that I had chosen when you and I will meet. In ten days.

And so I found myself sleepless. My past screaming at me all the things I will never be: happy, a we, living the life that is in my heart. It also screamed all the things I will ever be: a victim, a lonely me, unable to create a beautiful destiny, waking up happy.

There was all the sadness of the years alone, fighting against inner voices silently, without a hug, with feeling like needing to beg and wait for friends to listen once in a while. With only the sun and the winds to caress my skin. It felt like the dark void: again and forever.
I heard my victim voice until it melted with who I was: I can’t do that any longer. I don’t have the power to do this. And I added: to do this alone. I had blamed God yesterday for this idea to leave, for not opening my heart for this man (a great man), for putting dreams in my heart and at the same time limitations to make them come true. I had screamed in the car how much I hated Him and also the previous man.
I saw I was in victim mode but I couldn’t or didn’t want to get out. Because? Because I saw no way out. On top, new neighbours had moved in. Noise from all the sides way until midnight, activating the pain of Berlin’s apartment. I blamed myself for not meditating enough or not having found the right way, not having worked hard enough on myself or consistently enough.
I kept repeating without fully believing it: no one and nothing can destroy the harmony and balance within me. Harmony. Balance. Harmony. Balance.

I kept repeating: out of this situation comes my highest good. Only the highest good comes out of this situation.

I woke up and felt and looked like after a fight. The room smelled of sweat. I made a green juice and asked the plants to sustain me with their life force, the same life force that is running through me. I made a cacao and asked the plant to keep my heart open, to help me in remaining soft and keep believing. Believing really is the access to feeling something can be true. If the heart is closed, you can’t feel it and so it is not true, even if you repeat it in your mind. I listened to the song that helped me to leave the previous relationship and to trust in a greater plan and because I had lost trust in God I played a song that I had played on loop when He helped me to sell my apartment in Berlin.

It was not about sugarcoating the unease or easing the unease with a 932Hz song. It was about really connecting to all of this. To all forces available to sustain me while actively going through this, holding space for all that comes up.

I had the urge to look on social media. To hurt myself even more? To prove myself how much I am failing in moving on? I sat with this urge, the week six urge. I pictured you and I knew I just needed to reach 51%, just 1% more in focusing on you, on us, than on the life of others. And I managed.

With a clear and sober mind, after the rush, I could see again:

It is not about him - it is about watching another person getting all they wanted, living the life they want to live - while I still don’t.

And it is about another thing: wishing the other person truly well. Understanding that I can only wish myself well if I wish him well, all the happiness and love and financial freedom and traveling the world with your love and feeling love and feeling loved and waking up in the morning happy about the new day and going to bed feeling: this was my favorite day and being just grateful for being here.

I know this is the only way. And it is a tough one for me. It is easy to do this when your life is already going well. It is a challenge to do this when the other person moved on quite quickly with a new person in their life, living what they had wanted to live. When a lot seems to happen for them - and nothing seems to happen for you. It’s the only way for me to be free and feel expansive, and the only way to create a beautiful space for you to enter. Physically, I have given or thrown away all things related to the previous relationship and planted a flower into the soil, in nature. May it blossom there.

How do I know we enter each other’s life on the 1st of June. Because I made an imprint in the Field. I still ask sometimes: can I do this? Isn’t this up to God? I did it with my lost credit card in Bali. Anything else than the card returning to me was simply not an option. And God started speaking with me during the process of returning the card. I didn’t leave it to him whether the card would return or not. It was simply not okay for me that the card would not return and I would have either a difficult journey or needed to return to Europe. And then it happened.

PS: It feels kind of scary that something that used to be so big for me (meeting you) starte feeling so normal. Maybe it is because I don’t expect much anymore. Much in the sense of: feeling finally worthy, sensual, beautiful, like a great partner. I do look forward to the happiness you will add to my life, the smiles, the laughter, the feeling of love, the shared moments, talking with you, road tripping and making love in at least 40 countries in wild places under the sun and the stars. I look forward to all that you bring out in me and all that I can bring out in you. And to resting in your arms. So right. So good.