J-1

I am at the airport, to Faro. I don’t feel like going there. All tha pain of the past year comes up. And again, I hope it is for the final clearing.

I had (and still have) an idea of the woman I want to be. In terms of how I feel and see life. In this moment, I am so far away from her. I feel the tears never end. The attacks which are the attacks of my own thoughts. Besides all my strength, today is a morning where I only want to go to sleep and wake up when the war inside of me is over. When I have learnt how to be at peace inside and when I can rest in your arms.

J-1 isn’t right. It is J-2. Do I believe it? On a very deep level I do. I really feel I left a time stamp in the timelessness.

Last night, in tears, I told myself that I am worthy of meeting you regardless of the right vibration. I carry such a high vibration. I have released so much. I shine as a partner. Differently, the way I deserve to shine. I have so much to give. So much to experience. My dream life is a life shared and built together with you. And Lou.

In Lagos again. I still don’t say: Home. Because Home is a certain feeling and I do not feel it. I had some cacao and went dancing. Bachata makes me really happy. I want to become better and I want to dance together with you. I drove back after some dances, westwards, towards the evening sun. And out of nowhere, maybe out of the dancing and the cacao or maybe because of the dark nights before, a feeling arose: I deserve a beautiful summer. A summer that is an adventure. I deserve a beautiful life, one that consists of experiences and happy moments, of lovemaking in nature and strolling through new territory, landing at new airports, camping in the wilderness, dancing, meeting new people, getting to know your friends and family and all the places you love, showing you mine, learning and practicing tantra together, talking for hours, saying nothing for hours.

Something is different than all the others times when I wanted to call you in: there is nothing I need to improve about myself any longer. I am not perfect. But the magical thing is that I don’t have the feeling I need to heal something first or have an adventure with another man, or learn something with a man who is not you or doing something by myself. I feel worthy and I feel beautiful enough. Before, I didn’t and every man who was interested in me needed to fulfill my need of feeling worthy as a woman and beautiful enough. It didn’t work. I always felt I needed to prove myself as a woman. Also this feeling is gone. My identity has changed as well: I am a great partner now. I know it. I know life can be more colorful with me and that I bring value. And most of all, I am ready and willing to love. To open my heart even more. And to let you in.

This will be the best summer of my life so far. And I am no longer willing to give any moment of my life to thoughts that make me feel small or diminish the value of my life. Or tell me I can’t have a beautiful life. Or that others have a better life.

Actually, I can be very happy. Sometimes for no reason.

And then there are reasons: offroad driving, Bachata dancing, cacao drinking, on a boat on the water (I love speed), experiencing a real encounter with someone (a stranger), having long conversations, writing without needing it to be something (feeling on paper), beauty in nature, feeling something within me shifting, gaining new perspectives on life (like: I claim a happy life), on my possibilities, helping someone. And then all the travels with you, my heart and my body and my soul and my spirit are looking so much forward to experiencing inner and outer worlds with you. My whole being.

I try to transform moments that once gave me a pang in my heart, like an idea what I want to live with you but can’t because you were not here or seeing a couple doing something I want to experience. When I feel a pang (or: lack and longing) - I drop into my heart and transform it into a memory of a future experience, into my joy for this beauty. I need to transform a lot, moving from lack to love over and over again. Until it goes very easy.

I go to sleep now. Sleep well. I can’t fully imagine the love I feel for you. It’s okay. I am looking forward to say: “Way, way better than I have imagined.“