J-0
Why not? This question came into my mind when I sat down with my morning cacao.
Why should my life not turn out to be great? Why should my dreams not become a reality? Why not? I was very focused on the Not and then I was focused on the Why (all the good things could not happen). And today I think: why not? Why should the odds of not be higher or more likely than yes? Why not? is a question that can be asked in two tones and it has an entirely different meaning. There is a very light and playful version of Why not?, a version that thinks it is very likely that my life turns out to be great. A version that says: you actually can trust your heart and God, Life. You actually are provided. Life actually “works“ like this - without you working it out. With you saying Yes to what is in your heart. It also means that “arriving“ in this dream life feels like a smooth transition and not like crossing the finish line exhausted from all the fighting against the not and forcing the outcome.
This morning, I woke up and the thoughts that harm me didn’t make sense. For the first time I thought: this thought doesn’t make sense at all. It doesn’t solve anything, it just harms me. And what I usually do upon waking is getting armed against these thoughts. Because I am afraid of them. I am afraid of the pain and hurt they cause until I feel like a little animal on the soil someone has stepped upon. And then it takes all of my effort to come back into a balanced state.
This morning I only thought: you (thought) don’t make any sense. There is no deeper meaning, you whisper I need to understand you and get to your message or the core of why you are here. But this morning I felt: there is no cause other than to harm me. And I don’t even want to find out why I think a thought that harms me (and doesn’t make any sense). I just don’t want to think it. And I don’t need to think it. I am a thought pleaser. I take any thought seriously. And now I find it very healthy to say: no. You bring me out of balance and harmony and I prefer not to think you or to think your twin thought.
The exhaustion I feel comes from thoughts like these and my armoring against them. It comes from concepts I make up and don’t live up to. It comes from living in the gap. From complaining about how my life should be different. I comes from being cut off life force. It comes from eyeing at an outcome when I do something (dancing > sexyness, sports > body, feeling good > manifesting) - instead of feeling into what it gives to me in this moment (dancing > connecting to my sensuality and joy, sports > connecting to the strength of my body, feeling good > feeling good).
In the past years, I have cleared my life from any external exhaustion factors. I left my business and transitioned to screenplay writing, I left the city of Berlin and live in the sun and by the sea, I left friendships that felt draining and a relationship, too. I became free of smoking, drinking and unhealthy food.
Now it feels as if I have arrived at the real reasons for feeling exhausted. It is the micro things. And here is also a big chance: we can change these micro things even when we (feel we) can’t change an outer situation.
I also saw us. By seeing I mean I feel our energies, the way we feel together. How our energies flow. Also here I let go of the forcing bit by bit. Visiting our energies because I love visiting us. Not because I want to make us happen. Because I love to be in your presence and I love who I am in your presence. It feels very natural, also sensual and sexual, and aligned. I feel very soft and warm and full. There is clarity, like as if the air is clear(ed). In your field and mine, in our joint field. Energies flow freely. I visited my dream life with you. It is simply wonderful. I also had given up the screenplays and made space for an expression that feels like me and supports others. I saw us helping wherever we are.
You know, this feeling that I will not change when we meet is a wonderful feeling. The feeling of already being someone. Of course meeting you and living life with you will change me and I look much forward to all of these changes and openings. But I do not depend any more on meeting you to become aware of the value of my own being. I probably will love myself more because of you. This is also a reason why we meet. And learning how to love and be in Love. And all the things I have no idea of yet. I love you.
Today is a special day. It is the last day of “me“. There is no ritual or anything I want to do. I just want to honor me. All the me-s I have been. I’m not sure I want to write everything out. All is within me. Before I took a nap, I closed my eyes and thanked all the men I have loved or been with. I stood in front of them and said thank you. And all of them were full of love and happy for me to meet you. Proud they could be part of my becoming as a woman and human.
I want to thank all the me-s who have believed in me, who cried in silent nights, on Sundays, at Christmas and New Year’s and in the most beautiful places of this world. I thank all the me-s who have believed. Always. All of them held the vision for the woman I am now, able to express my feelings, to express my sexuality, my worth without words, knowing that Love is what I am here for. And this includes in my life story the great love for and with a man. I thank me for believing without evidence, for leaving when it didn’t feel right despite knowing I would have to face quite some inner demons, mainly telling me I will never have my dream and will never meet the right partner and will never be one of these happy people and will never feel worthy and will never, never, never have my own family. I thank the me who has decided she is no longer a victim. I thank the me who has decided that she takes responsibility and her power back and all of her energy and creates the life she wants to experience. A life she loves with her whole huge heart. I thank the me who has decided that she is worthy of everything that is in her heart (even without fully believing herself yet). I thank the me who has decided she no longer tolerates a life on the sideline or: standing at the sideline in her own life, watching the life of others. I thank the me who decided that she doesn’t tolerate any longer to live outside of a sacred union. I thank the me who had the courage to leave a time mark in the infinite and decided that it is June 1st 2024 when she meets her right partner. It takes courage.
I thank all the me-s who held the vision for a healthy relationship even when I myself was not healthy at all. Who held the vision for Love to be simple and clear when I still was full of drama. Who held the vision for a partnership full of respect, depth, playfulness, lightness, Love, healing, opening when I still needed to learn. Who held the vision when partnership had the tag impossible for me. All the me-s who rolled up their sleeves and cleard so many limiting beliefs and traumas and misperceptions. The me-s who built trust and a communication with God. The me-s who decided to listen to our timeless heart and surrender bit by bit. Surrender or letting go don’t have to be one big step. Each bit of trust built allows for a bit of Surrender.
I have no idea what will happen tomorrow and how. I just know that it is not me who makes it happen. And this feels very good. I am so excited to see this genius at work. And I surrender into the wave of Life and let myself be carried. I allow Life to let us meet tomorrow. In the most perfect way.