Day 5 - the main price
I wonder if numbering the days makes sense. Because this is not about meeting you any longer (and at the same time it is).
And then again: it is day 5 after I chose to stop being a victim or living in victimhood and stepping into my full spiritual power. Yes, I failed to create you/ us on the 1st of June 2024. And looking at it, I chose this date in March from a state of anger: anger at Life, anger that I have to wait, anger that I am not powerful enough, anger that my former partner already met someone, anger at all the years feeling powerless. However: I didn’t choose the 1st of June out of fear. Fear I won’t meet you. I know I will. I just still feel impatient. That doesn’t feel good so I am about to adjust this state of being - because I want to feel good and happy.
Today, I had a session with my energy woman. I consulted her 5 month ago, when I felt I need someone to go with me through the separation. I felt so angry today, that still my mind wants to make it work with my former partner - or let go. The middle is a torn place. Longing. And forgetting.
She said something that hit home, also because I had this insight some days ago: he (his soul) helps me (my soul) to accept, approve of, honor, embrace and love myself on the deepest level. I list all english words here because the German word “annehmen“ encompasses them all. He helps me because I have no other choice. No other choice for what should be the first choice anyways: to choose and accept and love yourself. Luke warm self-love or acceptance don’t work here. Being half in my spiritual power neither. It is All In as he used to say. I am all in - into myself. There is no grey here. I had hope to make us work again.
Hope helps to work towards something. As I had hope for the 1st of June. Hope kept me in Dreamland for years with (the idea of) David. I was not able to face the emptiness of myself back then without this hope and I also didn’t have the ability to demand better for myself.
This is different today. When you long for a partnership, it is so hard and hurtful to accept that this other person has “just“ been there to help you. Help you evolve, love and accept yourself, believe in yourself and finally start to write your own story. Isn’t this the main price?
I look forward to the day when I can clearly feel this. And a voice within me says: what if this day is very soon? (edit: the day was the next day). I keep it with the intention. And for now see it as another sign that it is not him - but you. And that my feeling was right when I heard you calling one year ago.
The energy woman has psychic abilities. She said you are French, open and French. Great. She also said I should go to the Provence. Which I don’t feel like going. Here is something you have to know:
I want to live on this whole planet with you. Visit the wildest places and make love with you there. I will write our story in my journal, the paper one.