Day 4

This morning I woke up from a dream, I had come to the place where my former partner lives now. He was not there when I arrived, there were three beds in the room, one of them was with sheets. I wore a T-shirt that he had given me and that I had given away later. I lay down on the bed with the sheets. The room was a simple Air BnB. And I accepted all the choices he made, not with my head - but with my being. I texted him that I had arrived and shortly after I heard his steps on the stairs, the door opened and his voice said: “Mein Schatz.“ (my darling). I felt home. Then I woke up.

And felt so sad. Sad about how it went, sad about the thousand times I prayed that I could love him the way he deserves to be loved and the way I deserve to love. I felt sad about having been so close to feeling Home with another human being. And then I started to feel angry that I I still feel sad - or still didn’t seem to move on. That I was living in the past. And he lived a new life already, since months. I am still valuing outer things like having a new partner more like a bigger sign for moving on than inner changes.

I tried to come back to my heart and feel in balance. When I wanted to leave for the hairdresser, the battery of my car was empty. I had left the light on. I chose to not let this disbalance me. Called an Uber.

After the hairdresser, I decided to walk home, like 45 minutes. I walked by past moments. Entering again a loop of blaming myself for not manifesting a new life faster, for thinking in the past. Until I chose to stop. And use each step to tell myself something nice. No matter what. That it is great the car didn’t start. So I could make a long walk and accept the help of a friend. To realize I can’t do life alone. And I don’t have to do life alone. For fun I walked with a more youthful skin, fuller hair, a lifted bum and bigger breasts. With the toned muscles of a warrior queen. And then, at one point, a sentence came through (me) that felt different than the others. Different in the sense of: it was not my mind that had made up this sentence:

There is nothing to work against - only to work with.

I had blamed Life for not giving me my dream life in Berlin, in Paris, in Lagos. I had made up an enemy that I have to fight against in order to make my dream life happen (myself - as Life didn’t want to give to me and only to others). I had also blamed myself for not being good enough in manipulating Life.

There were obvious examples in the past: when I suggested the co-lab with H&M I made up enemy comments in my head, things people at H&M would say about my work. And then I started to argue against. So in the end, I argued FOR the value of my work with the help of an made-up enemy. It was the same with the screenplays. The moment I wrote I already heard the comments of the producer. Maybe I was addicted to fighting against something. I also made up imagined competitions with others. I built obstacles where there were none.

I worked on these obvious examples. And today I realized, that the core goes deeper and is ready to be seen. I made Life (or God) itself my obstacle. The thing I have to steal from all of my dreams. Because this mean Life puts the dreams in my heart and then, to punish me, doesn’t give any of them to me, demanding from me to be better and work harder. So subconsciously, Life was my enemy. And in Truth, I was my enemy because I made up an enemy. I made it so very difficult for myself. And justified it by all the growth and learnings that I could go through in this way. There is no villain. It’s me.

I have always told Life how unfair it is. And how hard. And all the teachers might be right: things, including Life, are what you tell them they are.

So today, on this walk, I told Life how supportive it is. And how grateful I am for all the experiences. I told myself that I will keep talking like this even if I don’t believe it fully - just for the sake of being tired of telling myself unhelpful things that keep me in the confinements of the past.

Here is the biggest fear: I tell Life to take care of me, trust Life to take care of me, trust Life with my dreams - and nothing happens. The last hope that this could work - crashed. The thing is: I don’t want to continue my life making up enemies and fighting against them. Because the result is: nothing. So I rather have nothing in a relaxed way. And of course I hope my dreams do come true.