Day 3

Yesterday evening I read something about rewriting the past. Like saying and feeling: I have always been a naturally happy person. I used to be a great dancer, smooth in my movements, one with the music, lost in the moment.

Both is not exactly true for me and both is are states I want to experience and to be true for my life. It feels strange because normally, rewriting the past to make it easier for myself to create the future I want, should feel like lying. I know it is not true. But then again, I don’t care. If I can be this woman, naturally happy and a smooth dancer, then there is a seed within my since ever that I can awaken. Mental rehearsal as Dr. Joe says, just expanded to the past. A skillset to draw from. It make sense to me and actually feels fun. An experiment. Because: why not?

Maybe it is because I have felt bad and sad for such a long time. Disappointment, expectations, unfulfilled dreams, exhaustion, forcing, fighting, trying to “steal“ from Life what it didn’t want to give to me, victim mindset, fighting against the fighting feeling, trying to appear to the world like a winner - and to myself. Trying to be happy. Maybe it is because I crashed and crashed and crashed during the past year. Maybe it is because I have cleared so many limiting beliefs and released (whatever) trauma from my body. Maybe it is that picturing a great future is not like escaping the present any longer. Maybe it is because I drink cacao each morning. Maybe it is because I know that my dreams can only come true as a gift of Life to me and not because I make them happen. In the end, I don’t care why it is. I like this playful state. I like starting to deeply like myself. I like to see and treat my life as a gift. A game I care about.

It feels as if there is a clean slate now. And I am ready to see what I truly want from life. And what life wants from me. It is the first time in my life that I want to travel and see new places, wide open nature. Just for the sake of experiencing it. I am now able to be in the moment and take it all in. I am now able to travel for the sake of joy, for going somewhere - not to go away from a place I don’t want to be. Travel and be happy to myself with me. Travel - not escaping. Travel - not consuming a new thing. Travel - not to feel better or different but to be there. Travel. Simply travel. And that this state of being is available to me is a miracle.

I have also realized whereas before in meditations or practices I wanted to feel good and in harmony in order to attract the life I want, now I want to feel good and in harmony in the now. This closes a gap, a friction, a tension towards an unlived life.

Letting Go was something I have struggled with. Letting Go of something or someone that I had hopes in making my life feel right or myself happy. With this construct, it is difficult to let go. It is also difficult to let go of a painful past when you are still attached to a victim state of being (and this can this can be the case without being aware of it).

And now, letting go is the best I can do. And now actually I can, I can let go of you and also of Lou. I spent so many years “working“ for both of you, changing.

Now, I experienced a state of happiness. And my constant longing for you and Lou is keeping me separate from this state. From the joyous woman that I am. By holding on I keep myself separate from the life I have been given. I am afraid of what comes next, to face what I had never wanted to face (growing old alone, never have met you, made love with you, created Lou and experienced this earth together). And I know that I will be okay. That there is a way for me to be truly and deeply happy and grateful that I have been given a life. One that finally doesn’t feel like a burden or a sadness any longer, a sadness that feels like I will never be able to transmute.

I can only take a chance on this life by letting you go. And so, without a ritual, I now let go of both of you. And I say YES to the life that Life has given to me.