Day 2
I wake up. In peace. And there is nothing I allow to destroy that peace. The feeling of peace is so strong that I do not need to fight any thoughts that would disbalance my state of being.
All the thoughts seem to be so senseless. All moments in my life where life is not like I want it to be and therefore resent the moment.
We didn’t meet. Or maybe we did and I was not aware of it. I woke up nervous and under pressure, forced. Lived my morning the way I like it and went to the market to buy fruit. I felt beautiful and the ladies from who I was buying fruit were smiling back at me. I observed myself observing the people and myself. I went to a supermarket to buy water. It was the supermarket where my last partner took my hand and I couldn’t believe that someone takes my hand in public, in a supermarket. I felt so happy. I looked for cups and there were cups with letters. His and mine were hanging just above each other. I keep seeing this combination since a while. I said another goodbye and wondered if I had not said goodbye enough to let you in. And then again: so many people I know still think about their former partner or have feelings while being with a new partner.
I went home. And sat in front of the mirror, looking at myself. I told myself that I am beautiful and worthy to experience all the dreams in my heart in this lifetime. I looked at all the details in my face that I used to hate and accepted them. This time, it didn’t feel like I was hammering positive beliefs into myself. I spoke what was true for me and this was beautiful.
I doubted we would meet today and stayed open that we could. I went dancing and as the atmosphere didn’t feel right, I sat on a cliff. I realized that I was sitting on a cliff alone again and that thinking this thought kept me small and in a victim state. I want to feel connected, deeply connected. With God, with others. I feel alone often. I want to exchange and talk with others. I balanced for connectedness.
My dancing partner wrote he had left for a village party in the mountains and I went there. There was music with a strong bass. I stood in front of the box and felt the vibration in my chest. I resented this moment. Wrong people, no you. I observed myself resenting this moment as I had resented so many moments before in my life for the absence of the right partner and a perfect location. I felt the pain of doing so. Of wanting to be somewhere else. In a better moment. I decided to dance, just as it was. I felt how much I want to live. So much. I want to dance around the world. I closed my eyes and tuned into your energy, dancing with you. I tried to make you appear, like I did when I was a kid. It hurt. I walked through the village with my dancing partner and his friend, secretly resenting them for not being you. I tried cheese and he bought me one. I hated everyone being in a family or laughing. The guys brought me to my car.
I drove towards the coast. And decided that this is the end. Of resenting life as it is. I asked my Self it is possible to shed a skin like a snake or like the eucalyptus trees, I asked my Self if it could be that simple. And my Self said yes. Without further healing or practices? Yes. And then I decided to shed the skin of feeling like a victim. And to shed the skin of resenting life. Like opening the knot in my neck and stepping out of my neckholder dress.
I thought about the best moments of my day. And the best was in front of the mirror. I have changed. I really find myself beautiful and worthy of living out all of my dreams in this lifetime. A gap has closed. I want to live fully and feel so alive. No matter what.
This morning I woke up in peace. I have created a beautiful life and vision. And something within me says it is time to let it go. To let the belief go: If I don’t take care, nothing will happen. I became aware of this belief this morning. To trust a bit more. In life. It scares me. And then again: I have done everything, my work feels complete (which it didn’t before). I feel round inside.
The main reason I couldn’t be with S was because I wanted to give myself to Life. I had forced him into existence. The past months brought up a lot of pain.
There is pain and unnecessary pain. The unnecessary pain leaves my life now. It is mainly victim thoughts of comparison or impossibility. I just want to be me. MIRJAM.
Today, I deeply understood something or: some things:
it doesn’t make sense at all for God to not combine me with an amazing partner. Because, free of pride, it would be a waste of His creation = me.
i know that I am worthy of and deserving of being a partner, a mother, an artist. I know that I am great and imperfect and that is just right.
This means: I can relax.
it doesn’t make sense at all that I diminish my own beautiful life because of whatever doesn’t feel right or does feel unfair: that my precious partner found a new person very fast and I didn’t, that a friend misses my home inauguration, that I can’t live the experiences that I want to live with a partner in this moment, that I feel lesser than or compare my life. It feels as if my life has its own life and I am constantly judging this present. Ruining it and probably hindering it from flourishing into its own beauty.
it feels so senseless that I am staring at this in disbelief.
in the hotel room in cologne i had been crying so hard, my body shaking in pain because of all the unlived wishes in my heart. Never ever will I feel this way. I see myself on this bed now, cramping. I also saw my old posture this morning, shoulders sunken my hands in my face, thinking thinking thinking. it was like looking at an empty shell made of pappmaché. the identity had left already.
it makes no sense to not dare to enjoy my life or appreciate it just because it is not the way i want it to be.
when you feel like dying in fact it is this way of living that wants to die - the old identity.
i want to expose my beauty in all ways and take in the beauty of this earth. wherever i am and this begins right here.