31 The Unknown

The Unknown is: to no longer want. I had prayed for a long time:

“I am no longer willing to live in the feeling of lack of my Sacred Union. So please do one of two things: take the feeling of lack away from me and let me be happy—or let me enter my Sacred Union.”

The lack gap can either be closed by fulfillment or by the un-needing of the wish.

So here is what happened: I am in Berlin. It was the best stay in Berlin I ever had. I have lived here for more than ten years. I have lived here in a permanent lack-gap that had infiltrated how I perceived my life. I have had relationships (nothing close to a Sacred Union).

This time, I spent time with my friends. One had gotten married and had a baby. There is no pain within me. No voice that says: it will never be you. Or: again not you. Nothing. I enjoy playing with the little girl. There is no story about me. I kind of expect it to appear with a delay, but it doesn’t. Nothing. I am not the old story anymore. The inner work has paid off.

And here is the thing:

There is a moment when all the inner work pays off. And the trick here is to accept this new state of being as your new reality.

I have looked at myself so honestly and released so many things—to live this moment (which is a feeling of freedom and worthiness). I have shifted the wish of meeting my Sacred Union Partner to feeling So Right. And now—I do.

It is a major death for the part of me that has worked so hard before to become good enough to have a healthy and beautiful relationship. Because I feel (almost) all I wanted to feel without the presence of outer things. I feel good about myself. About my life. I see what I have. I am present for others.

The lack-veil is lifted. Not by chance, but by Grace.

And this is also a scary point: if I feel so content, so rounded—does it mean I am not meant to enter a Sacred Union? If I don’t go into the details of my Sacred Union every day—does it mean that I don’t care any longer and won’t get it? Like I didn’t get a flat in Paris and am now happy with it? Will I be happy with anything just because I made this (=being happy) my priority? What about my dreams?

The thing is: I feel so much relief and lightness that the veil is gone. And for now, I want to enjoy this state of being.