34 Ending “Why Not Me”
Before I start: here is a reminder that your dream is the vehicle to become free—free to be the fully alive and liberated person you were born to be. Free to express yourself and free to believe in yourself.
A dream (vision, goal, calling) helps you to go through the tough stuff. It is the guardian light that helps you through. Because change can feels pretty ugly.
Sometimes like demolition, as a friend said who I met in one of my darkest moments. A lot is said about “darkest moments.” I find it a bit general, so here is how mine felt: it was hot, in Gili Air, Pink Flamingos in the pool and palm trees above my head against white clouds on a blue sky felt like a big joke, like an artificial backdrop to what felt like dying inside. The dreams that had kept me going for so long (Sacred Union, a family born out of Love) were dying, I did not know anymore who I was. I saw my body in a bikini and watched it like an alien. I saw people laughing in the pool and just knew at that moment that I would never have this life. A life where you hang around in pools, enjoy yourself and life. I heard a well-rounded voice saying: “So good. So good.” And saw a man standing there, playing music, talking to other strangers. He looked like standing on the earth and flying at the same time. I felt I would never be him. Darkest moments, dying feels like seeing a possible world, right in front of your eyes—and you don’t hold an entry pass. And no matter what the fuck you do—you will never hold it. And at the same time, you can’t give up, because you know this life exists. The stranger was playing a song, I didn’t dare to ask for the song. But I told him that he looked like flying while standing on the earth. I cried the whole night and the next morning felt a bit lighter. It happened we met at breakfast. It was 30 minutes before his boat left for Bali. In 30 minutes I learned that yesterday had been his first light day after a very long dark night—that felt like demolition. Where you start wondering if God has your back. So this man, Stephane, became my Earth Angel. I love what he is sharing, you can find him here.
This being said: a liberation happened for me. One, that I had been hoping/ wishing/ praying for for a long time. I had been asking what was standing between me and the life I wanted to live as a part of a Sacred Union. This question led to a pretty obvious realization that I had blinded myself against. First, it led to an Instagram account where a woman was selling a course for 3.333 Dollars on how to change your life. I felt the desperate me waking up, the one that throws money at people who offer the learnings of their transformation as a paid service now. So, before pulling out my credit card (I had done this before, not with 3.333 Dollar courses, but with 499 Dollar courses), I sat down with self-respect and asked: what is going on here? Buying a 3.333 Dollar (or whatever) course instead of looking within is an act of self-denial, if it comes from that place. Like outsourcing your transformation, reading the next book, watching the next video—in the hopes of a magical quick fix. Others can’t transform for you.
However, one line in the caption that led to the course caught my attention:
How am I a match to my current reality?
How am I? What am I perpetuating? I have become aware of and released quite some patterns, beliefs, and core wounds concerning Sacred Union during the past years. I’ve become the woman I am saying yes to, the one I would marry without a doubt. And still, I felt there was something, like a blind spot, that kept me where I was—feeling excluded and overseen. That’s a (general) state that feels pretty shitty and very small. I had gotten used to it, fighting it from time to time.
But if I am brutally honest with myself, there were these thoughts (thoughts supported by a feeling): Why not me? Again not me. It is never me. I created this state over some years until reality confirmed it.
So, despite all the inner work and healing around Love and Sacred Union, this was the top layer, as if you have a healthy seagull, covered by oil. And because of this oil, it can’t fly—even if anything else is in perfect order.
What is blocking you can be a general belief, not specifically tied to the area of your dream.
Let aside the Sacred Union in my story for a moment. And also let aside your dream for a moment. The dream is the vehicle that causes you to ask questions, become aware, transmute the obstacles (with whatever modality, it doesn’t matter, whatever works in this moment), and transform yourself.
There was a version of me that felt left out, excluded, and overseen. And now there is me, feeling free of these limitations. Free of the questions that ask: Why not me? Again not me. It is never me. Questions that feel so hurtful, in my heart, body, and being. This did not happen overnight.
After the lifting, I became so aware of what I was doing to myself and started to actively say “No“ to these old reactions. Because these habitual thoughts still popped up—and as three of my friends met new partners within the past 3 weeks, I had quite some chances to confirm who I was no longer. There was no magical moment where all of a sudden it was gone. Out of Grace, something lifted—and I chose to act upon this lifting. In PSYCH-K we say: to confirm to the conscious mind the subconscious change.
And then, this morning, I felt: I am free. This part of me is allowed to be history, also in other areas of my life. Returning to this harmonious state happened in the pursuit of my dream—and it is available for me now to enjoy it, regardless of this dream. It’s a different quality of life. And no partner and no fulfillment of another dream can give you this state of being.
PS: Here is a video of Wayne Dyer that I found helpful, related to the topic.