25 One (Life Force) Energy of Possibility

This morning after waking
I became aware of that we have one energy
this one life force energy is a stream of energy
that runs through us.
It can be infused by us
it can only go in one direction at a time
it can be infused with fear and obstacles
it can be infused with hope and clarity
If I infuse it with one it can’t go the other way.

The morning before I thought:
How would I think and feel if I felt unlimited Worth and believed 100% that God brings my creations (wishes) into realization? I would feel excited and think: I am so curious to see how He does it, what wonderful story and moments He will give to me. It will be so much greater and cooler and more awesome than I can imagine (and I have a pretty huge imagination, being or having been a screenplay writer).

It had been after a day, where two people got two of my wishes fulfilled. I felt like standing at the sideline again, like I have been for years. But this time, there was another color to my tears. I was not a victim any longer. It felt more like the tears of a child (before developing protection and stories around this disappointment or why it can’t have its wish) who doesn’t understand why others get the wish—because the child feels worthy to receive it, too—it feels like it can have it. My tears felt like tears from the core. They lasted a long time. I was afraid to reinforce an old identity but somehow decided to let myself cry. And then it was over. I felt empty the whole day. Exhausted but in a good way. It felt as if my body was freed from something, I can only describe it as if old dust had been released from my bones. At night, after spending the day at home, I went to the sea. It felt weird to sit there, alone but not lonely on a Friday night. No longer a victim, and, besides this, there was something else: the world felt open. Open in the sense that I no longer saw it with a filter of impossibility. This was very new. As if I was standing or sitting at the border of a new land, the permission to enter in my hand, but still hesitating. All I can see is that there is nothing and that it is open. It feels a bit scary. And at the same time, I know that where nothing is—there is everything. No, I am not scared to enter, it feels more like pausing and sensing this new point where I have never been before. During the past year, Life made me so uncomfortable that I know I can handle and hold whatever this new land has for me. This new nothingness, the unknown, feels way more exciting than remaining in the known. By the known I mean old patterns, beliefs, and feelings—and what they produce as an outcome.

So I was sitting at the border of the New for a while, on a sunchair at night by the sea. And a very, very gentle voice came to me and said “Of course.“ “Of course,“ she said, “of course, you want to enter your Sacred Union soon, of course, you want to experience as many days as possible with him, and grow with him deeper and deeper into all that both of you can be. Of course, you want to feel at home in his arms rather tomorrow than in a year, of course, you want to meet him while you are in this beauty of your face and body, of course. Of course, you want to give and receive the kind of Love that is only possible in a Sacred Union container, and of course, this includes all the physical ways of Love and Merging. “ She also said “Of course“ to all of my other dreams.

This voice was mine.

And then, that night,
I stopped being someone
who hurt herself
with the impossibility of her dreams.

Of course. Go and have it all. Why not.
(Or as Jim Rohn said: Why not you and why not now.)
I gave myself permission, from somewhere deep within.
And it felt as if a split within me had been healed.

I sat in the car at the beach and wrote down some of the above thoughts. And then simply observed the light of the street lamp next to my car shining on the the dunes. A fear popped up that this new state might vanish. That it might be a rare seldom moment in the dark and that I now needed to work hard to keep it. And I said No, I decided that this new state is mine now. Because: why not? It feels good and healthy. And I had wanted to be in a state like this for a long time, wanted to be one of these people who believe and know that they can have what they want.

So it is time to claim and accept this state as my new normal: I can decide on a wish and then infuse my life force energy with possibility and let it flow in this direction. Because now, I don’t have to use this energy any longer to fight against impossibility.